Family Feud
by Newkirk's Heroes
Summary: Ok, I'm still sick, so don't blame me for this! Burkhalter and his sister get into a fight, with the Heroes, Klink, Schultz, and Hochstetter caught in the middle!


FAMILY FEUD  
  
All right, this one has a plot! Yay, go me! It's not a very good plot, but at least I'm making some progress, right? Lol. Anyway, please read and enjoy!   
  
  
"Burkhalter's coming!"  
Colonel Robert Hogan looked up, one dark eyebrow raised, a slightly amused look in his brown eyes, as Sergeant Andrew Carter ran into his quarters. Corporal Peter Newkirk rolled his eyes at Carter.  
"Let's throw a bloody party, then." The Englishman suggested sarcastically.  
"First, let's see why he's here?" Sergeant James Kinchloe suggested, switching on the rigged up coffee pot that served for a radio. Carter shrugged, a good-natured smile still on his face, and he titled his head to listen.  
"Newkirk, get LeBeau." Hogan suddenly realized the fifth member of their group, Corporal Louie LeBeau, was missing. Newkirk nodded, and walked out of the room.  
The men waited a moment.  
"They're not saying anything." Hogan frowned.  
"Is something wrong with the radio?" Carter wondered, looking at Kinch. The American pursed his lips and checked the connectors. Nothing seemed to be out of place.  
"Nope. It's all in working order." Kinch reported just as the door opened and Newkirk reentered with LeBeau.  
"What's happening?" LeBeau asked, as he and Newkirk joined the others.  
"Nothing so far. They're not talking." Carter reported.  
"What-are they just staring at each other? Doesn't sound like the Burkhalter and Klink we all know and hate." Newkirk remarked lightly, crossing his arms on the table and regarding the others.  
"Wait...I hear something." Hogan started, motioning for silence.  
The men stopped talking. Little noises were coming from the speaker, almost like hissing, but as they listened, the men realized Klink and Burkhalter were...whispering. Very faintly whispering.  
"Do they know they're being bugged?" Carter asked, his eyes suddenly wide.  
"I don't know. I think I'm going to go crash their little party and find out, though." Hogan related, and got to his feet, walking out of his room. The other men watched him go, than turned back to the radio, listening intently.  
  
Hogan walked across the camp to Klink's office, trying not to look anything but casual. He put his hands in the pockets of his bomber jacket and sauntered up to the steps of the Kommandant's headquarters.  
Schultz was there, his rifle leaning against the side of the building. The corpulent sergeant was looking around tiredly, but he perked up when he saw Hogan approaching.  
"Colonel Hogan! What are you doing...?" Schultz demanded, trying to look professional in front of Hogan. Of course Schultz understood that Hogan knew very well he was unprofessional...but, Schultz at least made the effort.  
"Going to see Klink." Hogan smiled brightly.  
"Colonel Hogan, the Kommandant told me that under no circumstances was anyone allowed in the room." Schultz informed praying that maybe, for once, Hogan would listen to him.  
"Oh, I'm sure Klink would make an exception for me." Hogan assured lightly.  
"Nein! The Kommandant said especially you!" Schultz shook his head.  
Hogan raised an eyebrow.  
"I wonder why he's being so selective." Hogan mused, loud enough for Schultz to hear.  
"Well, he said that General Burkhalter did not want you..." Schultz stopped suddenly, his eyes going wide at his slip. Hogan smiled, knowing gold when he struck it, and slowly inched up the steps passed Schultz. The guard was almost pathetically easy to trap...you just had to lead him on a bit. Schultz realized Hogan was walking to the door, and ran to stop him.  
"Colonel Hogan, PLEASE!" Schultz begged.  
"I'll only be a minute!" Hogan put his hands up in melodramatic defense.  
"Well...tell them I tried to stop you!" Schultz demanded, willing to negotiate.  
"Of course Schultz." Hogan smirked, and opened the door to Klink's office.  
  
LeBeau and Newkirk walked out of the barracks, leaving Kinch and Carter to listen in on Klink's office. Newkirk lit a cigarette and scanned the prison camp while LeBeau put on his gloves.  
"Something doesn't seem right about this. Klink and Burkhalter...whispering in the office." Newkirk mused.  
"If they know they're being bugged, why doesn't Klink at least bring it up to us?" LeBeau mused.  
"You're right." Newkirk paused, tapping the ash off the end of his smoke "Klink ain't exactly the most subtle Kraut out there."  
LeBeau snorted, and started to say something, but was interrupted when another car pulled in through Stalag 13's main gates. Newkirk frowned as the Mercedes made its way towards Klink's office.  
"That's a civilian's car." Newkirk observed.  
LeBeau nodded, then as the door opened, he choked something down that sounded somewhere between a gasp of shock and a laugh.  
Gertrude Linkmeyer stepped out of the car.  
"No wonder they were whispering." Newkirk cracked.  
  
Hogan knocked on the door to Klink's office and waited.  
"Go away Hogan!" a voice shouted. Klink's.  
Hogan smiled to himself, shaking his head, and knocked again.  
"GO AWAY HOGAN!" Another voice screamed. This one was Burkhalter's.  
"They asked for it..." Hogan breathed, and in his loudest, roughest German accent he screamed "THIS IS NOT 'HOGAN'! THIS IS THE GESTAPO! OPEN THIS DOOR BEFORE I HAVE TO SHOOT IT OPEN!!"  
As could be expected, Hogan heard a great deal of shuffling and finally, the door was thrown open by a panting, scrimping Klink.  
"Forgive me, I am so sorry, I did not mean to...HOGAN!" Klink screamed when he realized who it was. Hogan smiled winningly and pushed passed Klink, making his way into the office. Burkhalter was standing by Klink's desk, his face somewhere between anger and apologetic, but anger was quickly gaining the upper hand.  
"Hogan! What are you doing in here!" Burkhalter cried, not even really phrasing it as a question.  
"Well, Schultz tried to stop me, but..." Hogan was cut off as Schultz came puffing in the office, waving his rifle around like a drum major's baton, looking a bit afraid.  
"I tried to stop him!" Schultz attested.  
Hogan, Klink, and Burkhalter turned to him, raising eyebrows in unison.  
"Yes, Schultz, we have already been informed." Burkhalter recognized dryly. Schultz gave everyone an even smile, then backed out of the office, leaving his rifle against the wall.  
"Hey Schultz!" Hogan called before Klink or Burkhalter could say anything.  
Schultz peered back in.  
"Your gun, there..." Hogan motioned. Schultz nodded, looking embarrassed, and grabbed his rifle, running out of the room.  
  
"She looks a bit angry there." Newkirk observed as Burkhalter's sister stormed into the office.  
"A bit! She nearly killed Schultzie!" LeBeau exclaimed, as the Sergeant so named put a hand to his heart in shock and climbed back up the stairs, his face white. Newkirk coughed a bit to disguise his laughter, than turned to LeBeau.  
"Let's get back in. Don't want to miss this." Newkirk winked, and LeBeau nodded, smirking.  
  
Hogan prepared himself for the blustering barrage that was to come from Klink and Burkhalter, but the Colonel was not prepared for the barrage that came from behind.  
"ALBERT!" A shrill voice screamed, and Hogan jumped in shock, letting out a small squeak of fear.  
"Oh no, she found me." Burkhalter murmured.  
Klink, after the shrill scream, had quickly crossed the room and nearly hid himself behind Hogan, getting himself out of the line of fire. But Gertrude Linkmeyer didn't take heed of anyone else in the room but Burkhalter. Hogan had never seen the woman so enraged as she stalked up to her brother.  
"Er...uh...what are you doing here, Gertrude?" Burkhalter stammered, trying to disguise his shaking voice.  
"You know very well why I am here Albert!" Frau Linkmeyer returned, and Hogan wondered if she would actually hit Burkhalter. She looked about to, though Hogan wasn't sure what she would hit him with. Klink's helmet was handy, and Hogan had to stop himself from smirking as he pictured it.  
"Gertrude, I already explained about..." Burkhalter started, but Frau Linkmeyer waved her hands in a frantic, silencing gesture, and Burkhalter backed against the table.  
"I don't want to hear any of your 'explanations' Albert!" Frau Linkmeyer added.  
"Um, it may not be my place to intervene, but I see that you might be having a little quarrel." Hogan observed, moving forward and motioning to Burkhalter and his sister.   
Frau Linkmeyer frowned at Hogan.  
"Why is it that anytime I am having some sort of crisis, this man is somehow present! Is he a prisoner, Klink, or your adjutant!?" she demanded in an accusing tone, and Klink's eyes widened.  
"Uh, he is a prisoner...of course..." Klink stammered.  
"Then he should be treated like one!" Burkhalter joined in, and Klink looked about to collapse. Hogan cleared his throat to stop himself from laughing.  
"I can see where this is leading." Hogan mused lightly, shrugging.  
"Really?" Burkhalter asked, raising his eyebrow. Hogan nodded with a bright smile.  
"THEN GET OUT!!" Burkhalter, Klink, and Frau Linkmeyer demanded, all at the same time. Hogan shrugged again and waved as he walked out. Even as he closed the door, he could hear Burkhalter and his sister start arguing.  
"I wonder what that's about." Hogan wondered to himself.  
  
Major Wolfgang Hochstetter stared at the report, then crumpled it into a ball, throwing it to the floor angrily. The Gestapo officer got to his feet and started pacing, his jackboots echoing across the floor of his office. This problem with Stalag 13 was really getting too much...it was taking up more of his time than any other issue! Another report of sabotage...this time a ball bearings plant...and it had been blown up only three kilometers from the Stalag. Hochstetter knew there was a connection, but the Kommandant of the prison was such an idiot, any attempt Hochstetter made to get to the bottom of it was ruined.  
"That fool Klink! How did he get past grammar school?" Hochstetter mused to himself angrily.  
There was a knock at his door. Rolling his eyes, Hochstetter threw it open.  
"What do you want!?" He demanded.  
His new adjutant, Captain Joachim Strassen stood, looking a bit nervous. Hochstetter had that effect on people, which probably explained why he went through adjutants like other men went through cigars.  
"What is it?" Hochstetter raised an eyebrow.  
"Er, there have been reports of radio signals, intercepted around this area." Captain Strassen reported, handing Hochstetter a map with a portion of it circled in red. The estimated coordinates were scratched beside the circle, and Hochstetter sneered in contempt.  
"This is almost directly on top of Stalag 13!" Hochstetter exclaimed.  
"Do you think it could be the prisoners?" Captain Strassen suggested meekly.  
"Of course I think it could be the prisoners!" Hochstetter exploded, waving his arms about wildly, and Strassen jumped back a good two feet, almost out the door. Hochstetter rolled his eyes, wishing for once he could find a competent adjutant.   
"Well this is the final straw! We are going up to that camp, and I am not leaving until I finally get to the bottom of this!"  
  
"I am not leaving until we straighten this out, Albert!"  
Even coming in through the radio, Frau Linkmeyer's voice was scathing. Newkirk, LeBeau, Carter, and Kinch winced as she started yelling at her brother again, her German slurring together so horribly the men couldn't understand a word she was saying.   
"I wonder what this is about." Carter mused as Kinch switched off the radio.  
"I don't know, but remember last time she said 'she wasn't leaving' until something got straightened out?" Kinch foretold darkly.  
"Bloody hell I remember...she was here for two weeks! We had to cancel all our jobs...it was horrible! And she insisted on..." Newkirk shuddered as the memory struck him "Cleaning out the barracks."  
"Which is why we have to straighten this out."  
The men looked up as Hogan walked in, his eyebrow raised.  
"How bad is it in there?" LeBeau asked.  
"Let's just say I saw friendlier skies...over Dresden. Anyway, you're right, Newkirk. We can't have an upset Frau Linkmeyer hanging around camp for too long, or our whole operation could be shot." Hogan outlined.  
"How do we get them to make up, though? We don't even know what the problem is." Carter remarked.  
"Yeah, we had to shut the radio off. I mean, listening to bombs go off is one thing, but that was just torture." Kinch shook his head, and the other men laughed a little.  
"We really don't have to know the problem. We just have to get Burkhalter to apologize for whatever he did to set her off. Then things should get back to normal around here." Hogan shrugged.  
"Again...how can we get Burkhalter to apologize?" Carter asked.  
"Yeah, I bet he doesn't even care. I mean, Burkhalter doesn't seem like the type to be too overly concerned about family." Newkirk pointed out, and Hogan nodded, considering.  
"Well, he might be. After all, he was willing to let Klink be his brother-in-law in order to get his sister married. He might be more affected than we all think." Hogan prophesied.   
All of a sudden, there was a banging on the door.  
Raising his eyebrow at the others, Hogan walked over and opened it. Klink and Schultz were standing there.  
"What's going on?" Hogan demanded.  
"Hogan, we need your help." Klink hissed, looking very sheepish about it.  
The other men looked at each other with smirks, then Newkirk turned to Klink.  
"What was that, sir? Don't think we caught it!" He intoned.  
"Shut up Newkirk!" Klink called back.  
"Nice way to talk for someone who needs our help." Hogan crossed his arms, giving Klink a reproving look. Schultz pursed his lips than turned to his commander.  
"Colonel, maybe it would be better if we were nice to them!" Schultz suggested.  
"Schultz..." Klink started warningly.  
"But Colonel, if we are nice to them, they will help us get General Burkhalter and his sister to stop fighting." Schultz reasoned with a light shrug.  
"Schultz!" Klink exclaimed.  
"No, no, Kommandant, I think Schultz is right." Hogan argued.  
"Fine, fine. Now please, Colonel Hogan! The two of them have been here only a few minutes, and already they are turning my office into a battleground! Now you are very good at talking to people and convincing them. Can you please do something to stop those two, before they destroy my prison camp!?" Klink pleaded.  
"Well, I don't know Commandant..." Hogan started, pretending to mull it over.  
"Please Hogan!" Klink begged, about ready to get down on his knees, it seemed.  
Hogan turned back to his men.  
"What do you think guys? Should we help?" he asked.  
"I don't know Colonel, it really isn't our problem..." Kinch started.  
"Yeah, Kinch is right. We wouldn't want to go sticking our noses into other peoples' business." Newkirk agreed, crossing his arms and a thoughtful expression coming over his face.  
"You're right, Newkirk, that would be very rude." LeBeau added.  
"Please! I don't care if its rude! I just don't want Frau Linkmeyer around for the next month if this is how it is going to be! The entire camp will be destroyed!" Klink pointed out.  
"Well what do you think Carter?" Hogan queried.  
"Please, Carter! That woman...she scares me..." Schultz tried, his face reddening a bit.  
"Ok, ok...maybe we should help them." Carter shrugged lightly, and Hogan raised an eyebrow. Klink and Schultz gave the American Colonel another batch of desperate looks. Hogan shook his head and smiled in amusement.  
"If Carter says so..." Hogan finally consented.  
"Danke Colonel Hogan! Danke!" Klink cried.  
"How are you going to get them to stop fighting? All they will do is yell at each other. I don't even know what it is about." Schultz wondered, frowning.  
"Oh, we'll find a way." Hogan assured, ushering Klink and Schultz out of the barracks, and Newkirk, LeBeau, Kinch, and Carter smirked deviously at each other.  
Whoever said they couldn't have a bit of fun?  
  
Major Hochstetter was furious. Absolutely, insanely angry, and poor Captain Strassen was stuck in a car with him.  
"Why do they need to be crossing NOW!?!?" Hochstetter demanded, motioning wildly to the armored truck convoy using the bridge that lead from Dusseldorf to the Stalag.  
Strassen didn't say anything. He really had no desire to be shot.  
"Why is it that WHENEVER I want to investigate ANYTHING having to do with Colonel Hogan and Stalag 13, I am in SOME way INTERRUPTED!!" Hochstetter yelled, crossing his arms and sulking. Captain Strassen frowned a bit. He had heard Hochstetter curse this Colonel Hogan many times, but being new, he didn't know who, exactly, the man was, aside from being a prisoner. Strassen was a bit confused by Hochstetter's obsession with the man.  
"I don't think a POW could have ordered an armored convoy, sir." Strassen volunteered, than instantly regretted it. Hochstetter's eyes darkened, and he got that look...the one that immediately preceded another outburst. But this time, Hochstetter did not explode. He only smiled a bit...a dark smile that was almost as frightening, and shook his head at Strassen.  
"You don't know Colonel Hogan, Captain..." Hochstetter muttered, almost as if he were talking to himself.  
Strassen was suddenly very, very concerned.  
  
"Well, Colonel, how are we going to get the Burkhalter Bobsy Twins back together?" Newkirk wondered, taking off his jacket and laying it out on his bunk. The men had moved from Hogan's quarters to the main barracks, and Hogan was pacing, trying to think.  
"We just have to..." Hogan started, when the door burst open. The men looked up in surprise, and then frowned. General Burkhalter was standing in the doorframe, looking unexpectedly upset.  
"General? Can we help you?" Hogan smiled accommodatingly, for lack of anything better to do. This had proven to be quite an unusual day so far, even for Stalag 13's standards. All the POWs needed now was for Major Hochstetter to show up.  
"My sister is missing." He reported in a strangled sort of voice.  
"Colonel! That's what we've been..." Carter started brightly, but Kinch grabbed him and forced his mouth shut. After giving that situation a quick glance, Hogan turned back to Burkhalter, who apparently, had not noticed Carter's mouth.  
"Well, um...what can we do?" Hogan asked.  
"It is all my fault!" Burkhalter moaned.  
Newkirk and LeBeau gave each other raised eyebrows, than turned back to the general, who looked like he was about to cry or something. Burkhalter repeated the 'all my fault' moan, and Newkirk had to cough very quickly to disguise a laugh. LeBeau bit his bottom lip, and clenched his fists. This was all so farcical! The fat Kraut General looked about ready to burst into tears over his loud-mouthed sister!  
"Er, General, I don't..." Hogan started, but Burkhalter cut him off.  
"I cannot believe I was so harsh to her! And now she ran off! The poor thing, she cannot survive on her own! And it is all my fault!" Burkhalter lamented.  
That was all Newkirk and LeBeau could take. They met eyes both let out a strangled gasp of laughter  
"Ex-excuse us, everyone..." Newkirk managed to choke out, and he and LeBeau ran into Hogan's quarters, slamming the door shut behind them. The others could faintly hear hysterical laughter from inside.  
"What are they doing in there!?" Burkhalter demanded.  
Hogan and Kinch met eyes, but Carter pushed Kinch off his mouth, his eyes bright.  
"Discussing your situation!" Carter offered.  
"What!?" Burkhalter, Hogan, and Kinch asked, the two POWs as confused as the General.  
Carter blinked, then turned to Hogan, suddenly realizing that he would have to come up with an explanation to support his outburst. Hogan bit the side of his mouth to control himself, then smiled in a syrupy fashion at the Sergeant.  
"What do you mean, Carter?" Hogan asked sweetly.  
"Well, Newkirk and LeBeau are very concerned about you...General. Well, you see...that is, I mean, the two hate to see people fighting, and they...well, especially...families, that is, they hate to see it when families fight. Yes. That's what I meant. So, they wanted to discuss what to do about it, because they would hate to see you and your sister."   
Burkhalter glared at Carter, looking about ready to explode at the stammering American.  
Carter frowned, then realized his slip. "Fight, I mean, you and your sister fight." He explained.  
Hogan turned to Kinch.  
"You should have been holding on tighter." He whispered dryly.  
"I can only do so much." Kinch sighed.  
But Burkhalter was not interested in that.  
"You say they wish to help us?" he asked, and Hogan, Kinch, and Carter almost fell over in surprise when they heard Burkhalter's eager tone. Kinch gave Hogan a look that basically said 'why isn't he glad he lost his frightening sister!?'. To that, Hogan shrugged.  
"Yes. Yes they do." Carter answered confidently.  
"How will they do that?" Burkhalter wondered.  
"Well, they'll tell you that. Meanwhile, Carter, Kinch, and I will look around the camp for your sister, all right?" Hogan suggested brightly.  
"You think she could still be here?" Burkhalter asked hopefully.  
"Of course! So, just go into my quarters, and our experts in family problems will help you out while we find Frau Linkmeyer." Hogan assured, and he edged out of the barracks followed by Kinch and Carter.  
As they shut the door, Newkirk and LeBeau appeared out of Hogan's room, meeting face-to-face with the distraught Burkhalter.  
There was an awkward moment. Newkirk and LeBeau looked around, confused.  
"Well!" Burkhalter finally prompted.  
"Well...what?" Newkirk frowned.  
"Your C.O. told me that the two of you were experts at solving family disputes, and you wished to help me! Let's get to it, then!" Burkhalter elaborated in an annoyed tone.  
Newkirk and LeBeau looked at each other in shock. How were they supposed to pull this off!?  
"Mon Dieu." LeBeau whispered, rolling his eyes.  
  
Klink and Schultz walked into the Cooler, ostensibly to make sure the door hinges were working properly (Klink had let Schultz make up the excuse...a mistake he would never make again), but really just to get away from the whole 'situation'. Whenever the Burkhalter family had problems, Stalag 13 seemed to be the arena in which they were settled, and this time it was worse than ever.  
"What am I going to do? I know that no matter what happens, it will end up with me getting another proposal from that...woman." Klink shuddered, walking to the solitary confinement cell and opening the heavy steel door. Schultz followed.  
"Thankfully, I am already married." He finally shrugged.  
Klink turned to Schultz with an annoyed expression.  
"I can always count on you, Schultz, to be sympathetic." Klink sighed dryly.  
"Anytime, Herr Kommandant." Schultz saluted.  
Klink rolled his eyes.  
"I don't understand why they have to take all their troubles here! Don't they have somewhere else they can argue? What about Stalag 6!? I don't think Colonel Fritz is married!" Klink complained, walking into the cell aimlessly. Schultz followed him inside and bent down, inspecting the hinges on the door.  
"What are you doing!?" Klink asked, exasperated.  
"We are in here to check the hinges, right?" Schultz frowned.  
"Not really! Don't you know what an excuse is! Dummkopf!" Klink rolled his eyes in annoyance.   
Schultz stood up, dusting off his jacket.  
"They look all right." Schultz shrugged.  
"What looks all right?" Klink demanded.  
"The hinges!" Schultz returned, and Klink threw his hands up. He walked over to the bench and sat down.  
"I should see how the door closes, though. To make sure it does not squeak." Schultz mused though, and turned back to the Kommandant for permission.  
"Go ahead." Klink sighed.  
Nodding, Schultz slammed the door shut.  
The noise alerted Klink, who had been holding his head in his hands miserably.  
"What did you just do!?!?" He demanded.  
"Closed the door, like you told me to! The hinges do not need oil." Schultz reported.  
"You...you closed the door!" Klink exclaimed.  
Schultz nodded with a smile.  
"Dummkopf!" Klink screamed, then ran to the heavy cell door, trying to force it to open. The door didn't budge. Klink tried again, pushing all his weight against it, but the door was stuck shut.  
Klink turned to Schultz. The situation appeared to be just dawning on the sergeant.  
"We are locked in, right?" Schultz asked.  
"Yes, Schultz, we are locked in a cell. IN OUR OWN PRISON CAMP!!" Klink exploded. Schultz bit his lip.  
"Well...at least the hinges work." Schultz offered.  
Klink walked back to the bench and sat down, putting his head back in his hands.   
  
Hogan, Carter, and Kinch ambled around the yard, "searching" for Gertrude Linkmeyer.  
"I feel kind of bad, leaving Newkirk and LeBeau alone with him." Carter remarked, kicking a rock a bit, than picking it up and throwing it at Klink's office. It hit the wall with a sharp thud, and fell. Hogan and Kinch turned to him.  
"Well it was your bright idea to recruit them." Kinch raised an eyebrow.  
"Oh...right...well, it was just something that came to me." Carter shrugged.  
"You better watch what's coming to you from Newkirk after this whole thing is over with." Hogan warned with a bit of a smirk. Carter was about to reply, when a black Mercedes sped into the camp. The car stopped and two men got out, the shorter of the two looking very familiar...in an unwelcome way. The two men stormed up the steps to Klink's office, and walked inside the building.  
"Oh no, is that Hochstetter?" Kinch rolled his eyes.  
"Well, this day was going so good already, it might as well get better." Hogan shrugged flippantly.  
"Should we go back and check on the radio?" Carter whispered.  
"No, you two keep looking for Burkhalter's sister...or at least make it look that way, I mean...and I'll go check out what's going on. Klink owes me anyway." Hogan smirked, and walked to Klink's office.   
  
Major Hochstetter looked around, frowning. Something was wrong. Klink was not in his office, and that fat sergeant was nowhere to be seen. Plus, Hochstetter had noted General Burkhalter's car when he had arrived, and the General was also MIA. Hochstetter stood in Klink's office, his hands on his hips.   
Captain Strassen looked around nervously, wondering what was going on. He didn't want to be present if something was wrong, because that would mean Hochstetter would be mad. And Captain Strassen really, really did not like it when Hochstetter got mad.  
Suddenly, the door of the office opened. Strassen and Hochstetter turned, and Hochstetter's face changed. Strassen had never seen his commander like this...so homicidally angry. The Captain looked up and saw an American airman walk in. The man had a cocky smirk, and arrogant swagger, and totally fearless eyes. Strassen assumed that this was the infamous Colonel Hogan.  
"Hogan!" Hochstetter yelled, and Strassen used all his willpower to order himself not to jump.  
"Hi Major Hochstetter! What can I do for you?" Hogan asked, walking over to Klink's desk and sitting down. Strassen watched, and had to give the man a certain measure of respect in how he dealt with the Major.  
"Hogan, where is Colonel Klink?" Hochstetter demanded.  
"Oh, didn't you hear? We're trading places for the day. Klink's the prisoner and I get to be the Kommandant." Hogan replied, still with his cocky smile.  
Hochstetter leaned over Klink's desk, getting eye-level with Hogan.  
"I will say this slowly, for your benefit, seeing as how you're an American..." Hochstetter started.  
"Americans are slow! We're not the ones who started two wars. I mean, I thought you would have learned after getting beaten in the first one!" Hogan exclaimed.  
Strassen couldn't help but gasp a little at the American's impudence. Didn't the man realize what he was doing? He was a POW, and Hochstetter was a German officer! But that brought up the question, in Strassen's mind: why didn't Hochstetter just shoot the man? Well, yes, he was a prisoner, but Hochstetter was with the Gestapo, and they shot first, then made up reasons. The Major had had men on his own staff shot for less than what the American was saying. But Hochstetter just seemed to get madder.  
"I will disregard that. Now...Where. Is. Colonel. KLINK!?!?!" Hochstetter screamed in Hogan's face. Hogan raised his eyebrow and stood, pushing Klink's chair back.  
"You want the honest truth?" Hogan asked.  
"YES!" Hochstetter cried.  
"Er, well, the simple truth is...I don't know where Colonel Klink is." Hogan shrugged.  
"So am I to believe that Colonel Klink, plus that inept Sergeant of his, have simply disappeared?" Hochstetter demanded, making a fluttering motion with his hand to illustrate.  
"Well...yes." Hogan nodded. Then he frowned. "Schultz is gone too?"  
"Yes...and Burkhalter." Hochstetter nodded, then he realized he was not yelling at the American, so he added "Hogan!" in a loud voice, to make up for it.  
"Oh, well Burkhalter is in the barracks getting counseled by Newkirk and LeBeau." Hogan explained.  
Hochstetter looked at Hogan in enraged confusion.  
"He and his sister had a fight." Hogan elaborated.  
"And two POWs are...'counseling' him!?" Hochstetter cried.  
"Yup!" Hogan nodded.  
"There is something wrong with this place!" Hochstetter screamed, and he dashed out of the office. Strassen watched him leave, then turned to Hogan, not really sure if he was confused at what was going on, happy at seeing Hochstetter driven to insanity, or just a bit jealous of Hogan.  
"New, huh?" Hogan asked him directly.  
"What?" Strassen returned, a bit startled.  
"You must be the Major's new adjutant." Hogan explained.  
Strassen nodded grimly.  
"Well...I certainly do feel for you." Hogan grinned, and walked out of the office. Strassen followed, smiling just a bit.  
  
Kinch and Carter had combed every inch of Stalag 13, and still no Frau Linkmeyer.   
"Maybe she left camp." Carter suggested.  
"No, her car's still here." Kinch shook his head.  
"Well, where else could she be?" Carter frowned.   
Suddenly, something flew out of the window to Klink's quarters. It actually flew through the glass, first causing a loud crash, then shattered on the ground.  
"I think we might have found her." Kinch guessed. He and Carter walked over to Klink's window, then they hit the deck as another object came flying through the window, nearly smacking Kinch in the head. Wide-eyed, Kinch looked at it, and almost burst out laughing.  
"What is it?" Carter asked.  
"A bottle of Schnapps. Looks like someone is drowning their troubles." Kinch raised an eyebrow.  
"Should we go in there?" Carter whispered fearfully, looking up at the window.  
"I guess we...GET DOWN!" Kinch cried as something else flew through the window. This time it was one of Klink's ornate candlesticks, and it missed smacking Carter in the face by inches.  
"Can we get up yet?" Carter asked, his face muffled by ground.  
"Uh, I would wait just..." Kinch was cut off as another candlestick sailed out the destroyed window. Carter buried his face in his arms and it flew over them harmlessly, landing by the other candle.  
"I think we're fine now. Klink keeps the rest of his silver locked up and it should be a while until she finds the key." Kinch assured.   
He and Carter stood, and made their way into Klink's quarters.  
The room was a mess, and that description applied to Frau Linkmeyer as well. Her hair was flying in mad wisps about her face, her make-up was smeared (Kinch took it into consideration that the woman wore make-up and still looked like she did...then he shuddered), and she was crying wildly, a bottle of Klink's finest wine clutched close to her.  
"Er...Frau Linkmeyer?" Carter asked.  
She didn't seem to hear.  
"Frau Linkmeyer?" Kinch tried.  
She just took another drink of the wine.  
"Together now," Kinch instructed, turning to Carter, who nodded with a bit of uneasiness. Carter was not sure as to the stability of Burkhalter's sister, and he could picture, all too clearly, that wine bottle embedded in his forehead. Kinch held up three fingers to count down, lowering one, than another, than...  
"FRAU LINKMEYER!!!" The two screamed.  
She turned around.  
"Oh, Guten tag, gentlemen." Frau Linkmeyer slurred.  
Kinch and Carter gave each other quick glances of disbelief, than turned back to her. She dropped the wine bottle, and it broke, spilling all over the floor. Frau Linkmeyer looked at the mess in regret.  
"And it was such good wine, too. Now. How can I help you?" Frau Linkmeyer asked. Suddenly, her expression darkened. "Did Albert send you here? Because if he did, I swear I will stick one of these glass shards directly in his eye! You hear me!?" She threatened, staggering over to them menacingly.  
"Oh no, General Burkhalter didn't send us, we just wanted to help you!" Kinch assured, backing up a bit.   
"Really?" Frau Linkmeyer smiled in a dazed sort of manner.  
"Kinch..." Carter whispered, pulling Kinch aside a bit.   
Kinch turned to Carter and mouthed 'what'  
"I'm scared." Carter whimpered, as Frau Linkmeyer continued advancing on the two men.  
"Me too, Carter, me too." Kinch nodded, but steeled himself, and smiled at the drunken woman.  
  
LeBeau and Newkirk were lost. Totally lost on how to deal with General Burkhalter, who had melted into some sort of puddle of his former self. Acting on instinct, LeBeau and Newkirk had pulled out a seat for the General, then started pacing around the room, trying to look deep in thought.  
"Well!" Burkhalter demanded.  
"We're thinking, General! We can't come up with a solution like that!" LeBeau snapped his fingers for emphasis. Burkhalter frowned, but grudgingly kept quiet.  
Newkirk decided to say something. He would rather be an imprisoned Brit than a dead Brit, and Burkhalter was not above pulling the trigger on anyone who crossed him.  
"Well, General, first of all, we have to identify the problem." Newkirk suggested, leaning over the table.  
"Obviously." LeBeau sneered discretely, and Newkirk waved his arm at the Frenchman angrily. Burkhalter frowned in confusion, but didn't say anything. LeBeau shook his head, and leaned against a bunk, crossing his arms.  
"So General...what is the problem?" Newkirk asked, trying to sound compassionate.  
"What do you think the problem is!? Gertrude has run away!" Burkhalter exclaimed, almost in tears. Newkirk had to choke down his laughter and gasp of surprise.  
"Well...why has she run away?" Newkirk persisted.  
"You idiot! Why do you think she ran away! We had an argument!" Burkhalter yelled, jumping to his feet. Newkirk jumped back, almost falling over a chair, and LeBeau covered his mouth to stop from snickering. Newkirk shot him an angry look, then turned back to Burkhalter. Newkirk was getting a bit frustrated.  
"Why did you have an argument!?" Newkirk demanded.  
"Why are you yelling at me!?" Burkhalter demanded right back.  
"Do you want me to help you!?" Newkirk cried.  
"Do you want me to shoot you!?" Burkhalter cried back, and before Newkirk, who was stuck in the moment, could respond, LeBeau pushed his English friend aside and smiled benignly at Burkhalter.  
"No, Newkirk does not want to be shot. We just want to help you!" LeBeau assured gently.  
Burkhalter sat back down, and Newkirk took LeBeau's stop against the bunk, crossing his arms. LeBeau turned to him, and Newkirk raised his eyebrow. LeBeau nodded.  
"Now General Burkhalter...why did you and Frau Linkmeyer get into an argument?" LeBeau asked in a soft and caring tone. Newkirk felt like he was going to gag.   
"It is so silly!" Burkhalter finally moaned after a protracted silence.  
"No, I am sure it isn't." LeBeau assured.  
"Yes, actually, it is!" Burkhalter argued.  
"Oh just bloody tell us!" Newkirk exploded, and if General Burkhalter had been in his usual frame of mind, there would be one less Allied soldier in the barracks, but Newkirk's rough question seemed to break Burkhalter's dam of self-consciousness. He didn't actually cry, but he did put his head in his hands and scream something out that was quite unintelligible.  
"Come again?" LeBeau frowned.  
"It was all her stupid cat!" Burkhalter moaned.  
Newkirk and LeBeau looked at each other, dreadfully confused.  
  
"Let's play a game." Schultz suggested.  
Klink looked up at the Sergeant incredulously.  
"What?" he demanded.  
"Well, we are locked in here...we might as well do something to pass the time. Let's play a game." Schultz explained.  
"I am not playing a game!" Klink whined, rolling his eyes in annoyance.  
"Oh come on, Kommandant! It will be fun! And besides...someone is bound to find us sooner or later!" Schultz assured.  
"Oh yeah? Like who?" Klink wondered.  
"Well...maybe one of the prisoners!" Schultz suggested.  
"Yes. All the prisoners are always coming down to the Cooler. I am sure they will find us." Klink replied sarcastically. Schultz sighed, but thought again.  
"General Burkhalter, then?" Schultz tried.  
"He would just reinforce the lock." Klink moaned.  
"You're probably right." Schultz muttered. Klink looked up at him sharply. Schultz smiled innocently, and Klink let it go, not really wanting to persist.  
There was a protracted silence. It was too much for Klink.  
"Fine, fine, fine! We'll play a game!" Klink finally agreed, and Schultz smiled happily. "What kind of game?" Klink asked, standing up and starting to pace.  
"Oh, I know. Let's play 'Guess Who I Am'." Schultz suggested.  
"'Guess Who I Am?'" Klink raised an eyebrow.  
"Yes! I will act like someone else, and you will have to guess who I am!" Schultz explained.  
Shrugging, Klink nodded, and sat down. Looking eager, Schultz walked to the center of the cell, and thought to himself. Finally, his face lit up and he motioned that he was ready to start. Klink nodded.  
Schultz straightened up and put his hands at his sides in a professional-looking position. Klink regarded Schultz.   
"Hermann Goering?" Klink offered.  
"No...why did you guess him?" Schultz frowned.  
"Because you resemble him." Klink replied with a hint of dry sarcasm. Schultz, of course, missed it.  
"Oh, Danke! But, no, not Goering. Here, I will do more." Schultz screwed up his face so he was squinting with one eye, and he sneered in a mock-threatening expression. Schultz raised one arm as if saluting, and started marching back and forth.  
"Goering having some sort of attack?" Klink guessed.  
Schultz rolled his eyes. "No! I already told you, I am not Goering!" he protested, and Klink nodded.  
"Here, I will try one more time." Schultz decided, and he thought for a moment. Finally his face lit up and walked over to Klink. The Kommandant frowned in confusion, and then in outrage as Schultz stole his monocle and fixed it in his own eye. Schultz then started his silent pantomime of a man screaming crazily, then he cowered in a simpering style. When he was done, Schultz turned to Klink, smiling brightly.  
"Do you know who I am?" He asked.  
"Yes." Klink nodded darkly "Me."  
"Right! Isn't this a wonderful game?" Schultz smiled even wider and regarded Klink with an amused expression.  
"No. I don't think I want to play anymore." Klink sulked, and Schultz shrugged, sitting down next to his Kommandant. Turning sharply, Klink grabbed his monocle away from Schultz and screwed it back in.  
Schultz sighed.  
  
Hochstetter stormed into Barracks Two in his usual fashioned, followed by a reticent Captain Strassen, and a brash-as-usual Colonel Hogan. Hochstetter looked around for anyone, but all of the POWs seemed gone. The Gestapo Major whirled around, almost crashing into Strassen, who fell backwards on top of Hogan. Hogan balanced himself out though and stopped the captain from falling all the way.  
"You idiot!" Hochstetter exclaimed, then turned back around.  
"Such a loveable guy, huh?" Hogan smirked to Strassen, who glanced at the Colonel in horror. Hogan just shrugged.  
"I thought you said Burkhalter was in here." Hochstetter demanded of Hogan.  
"Well, he should be. Try my quarters." Hogan suggested.  
Hochstetter favored Hogan with a dagger look and then walked over to Hogan's quarters. Strassen and the Colonel followed. Hochstetter was prepared to barge in, when all of a sudden a loud cry of something like pain could be heard from within. Hochstetter frowned, and edged closer to the door, listening.  
"What is it, Herr Major?" Strassen asked.  
"Shut up! Something is going on in there. It sounds like Burkhalter is dying." Hochstetter replied, concentrating on the door.  
"Really!?" Hogan squealed in delight.   
Hochstetter and Strassen turned to him, Hochstetter in anger and Strassen in surprise.  
"Oh. Sorry, I meant...really." Hogan changed his tone to a mournful one.  
"Shut up!" Hochstetter motioned, and returned to his post against the door. Hogan shrugged, and pulled out a chair, sitting down. He looked up at Strassen, who was really having a hard time remembering how it felt to be not confused. Hogan motioned for him to take a chair, but Strassen shook his head faintly, and watched Hochstetter. Hogan shook his head, and crossed his arms, looking at his watch as he did.  
Hochstetter suddenly backed away from the door, as if it were hot.  
"What is it?" Strassen repeated.  
"Burkhalter is in there...with two of your POWs, Hogan. I just heard him say, 'I didn't mean to kill her, but she got in my way'." Hochstetter quoted in confusion.  
Hogan leaned forward in interest.  
"H'mm...funny he should say that. Maybe it would explain...oh, wait, I shouldn't be telling you that, Major." Hogan stopped himself. He tried to hide a triumphant smile...he absolutely loved having the Krauts just where he wanted them. It made things so much easier for him most of the time.  
"Tell me what!?" Hochstetter demanded.  
"I don't know if I should...it really isn't my business to say..." Hogan trailed off, sounding undecided.  
Hochstetter pulled his gun and pointed it at Hogan.  
"Well...maybe I could make it my business, I suppose..." Hogan reconsidered quickly, but Strassen, who was watching the proceedings in a very interested way, realized that Hogan did not look intimidated. For some odd reason, Strassen felt like Hochstetter, somehow, was playing right into Hogan's hands.  
"Tell me." Hochstetter commanded.  
"Ok, ok, you forced it out of me. See, Frau Linkmeyer, General Burkhalter's sister--do you know her, Major?" Hogan interrupted his story quickly.  
"Yes." Hochstetter shuddered. Strassen frowned. He didn't think Hochstetter was afraid of anything, but this Frau Linkmeyer seemed to terrify him for some reason.  
"Well, she and Burkhalter were having a fight. They arrived here at Stalag 13 earlier today, screaming at each other to beat the band. But an hour or so later, Frau Linkmeyer mysteriously disappeared. We haven't been able to find her, and her car is still in the shed. Of course, I'm not saying anything, but...well, since you forced me into it..." Hogan motioned to the gun Hochstetter was still pointing at him.  
Hochstetter, to Strassen surprised, put away his gun and frowned.  
"Would Burkhalter kill his sister?" Hochstetter mused.  
"I don't know sir. Of course, I'm not one to say anything bad about Kraut...er, I mean, German Generals, but...well, there is substantial evidence, right there." Hogan shrugged.  
Hochstetter turned away from Hogan and to the door, a sinister smile appearing.  
"If I can catch him, then this could mean a promotion." Hochstetter reasoned to himself. He turned to Strassen, and motioned for him to draw his gun. Strassen nodded, sweating a bit. He really should have volunteered for the Russian Front. It had to be less stressful than this.  
Hochstetter pounded on the door.  
"OPEN UP! THIS IS THE GESTAPO!" he demanded.  
There was some scuffling, and the door swung open violently, smacking Hochstetter in the face and knocking him off his feet as Burkhalter stormed out.  
"HOGAN! I WILL NOT FALL FOR YOUR RIDICULOUS PRANKS AGAIN!" Burkhalter screamed in uncontrolled rage.  
"Uh, sir? I'm over here." Hogan waved from his chair.  
"You--you are?" Burkhalter stammered, than looked down. Hochstetter was still lying on the floor, dazed, and his nose was bleeding. Strassen was totally confused. He finally gave up, put his gun in its holster, and pulled up a chair next to Hogan.  
"You...you...you..." Hochstetter sputtered in blinding rage as he struggled to his feet, his hands cupped around his bleeding nose, barely able to make a complete word, let alone a sentence.  
Burkhalter stared at the wounded Hochstetter for a moment, then threw his head back and laughed out loud. As he did, Newkirk and LeBeau walked out, frowning at the scene that lay before them.  
"What happened?" Newkirk asked.  
"Pull up a chair, gentlemen..." Strassen motioned with a helpless shrug, and the two POWs did so, exchanging smiling glances with their Commanding Officer.  
  
Carter and Kinch were practically stuck against the wall as Frau Linkmeyer wailed at them, lamenting something or other in slurred, fused-together German.   
"Are you getting any of this?" Carter asked Kinch.  
"The only word I can make out it 'cat'. She's saying 'cat' a lot." Kinch reported back.  
"'Cat?' What does that have to do with anything?" Carter frowned.  
"Why should I know?" Kinch returned.   
"Oh, I forgot, you are Americans." Frau Linkmeyer slowed down her speech, and smiled in a sloppy way at the two. Kinch and Carter nodded, returning her smile with polite, conservative ones of their own.  
"What...what seems to be the problem, Frau Linkmeyer?" Kinch managed to force out.  
"That monster! That inhuman monster! He does not deserve to wear a General's uniform! He does not deserve a uniform at all!" Frau Linkmeyer wailed, waving her arms around in some sort of emphasis. To Carter, it looked like she was swimming...or drowning, or something like that, and he had to choke down his laughter.   
"Why is he a monster?" Carter asked.  
"He killed my little Liebchen!" Frau Linkmeyer suddenly started sobbing, and she threw herself at Kinch, grabbing him around the neck and almost strangling him. Kinch's eyes widened, and he tapped Frau Linkmeyer very swiftly on the shoulder. Carter jumped away in fear, and plastered himself against a different wall. Frau Linkmeyer simply kept wailing 'he killed her, he killed her!', and Kinch wondered if he would ever breath again. He motioned desperately for Carter to do something, but the young man looked back in sheer terror. Kinch gave him a truly frantic look, and Carter sighed, rolling his eyes. Kinch frowned.   
Finally, Carter jumped in to save his friend.  
"Uh, Frau Linkmeyer...uh, I was just wondering..." Carter called from across the room. Frau Linkmeyer looked up, letting go of Kinch. The American breathed in a sigh of relief, and nearly collapsed.  
"Yessssss?" Frau Linkmeyer slurred, standing unsteadily.  
"Who, exactly, is your little liebchen?" Carter asked meekly.  
"My cat!" Frau Linkmeyer exploded into another round of loud, almost melodramatic sobbing.  
"Your...cat!?" Carter and Kinch demanded incredulously.  
"Albert killed my cat! He killed her! In cold blood! That inhuman monster killed my cat!" Frau Linkmeyer wept. She then walked over to Klink's liquor cabinet and pulled out another bottle of wine, taking a long drink, still weeping about her cat.  
At this, Kinch did collapse, sliding down the wall until he was seated on the floor, shaking his head in utter disgust. Carter walked over and joined him.  
  
Back in Barracks Two, Newkirk, LeBeau, Hogan, and Strassen watched as Major Hochstetter tried to find something to stop his bleeding nose. General Burkhalter was no help...he was still laughing hysterically, though he had managed to take a seat so as not to collapse. Hogan, Newkirk, and LeBeau were laughing as well, but a bit more discreetly, and Strassen wanted to laugh more than anything in the world, but he also did not want to get shot. Hochstetter might not be able to shoot the American Colonel, but he certainly would have no qualms about shooting his adjutant.  
Finally, Hochstetter turned to the others, his eyes blazing in anger, his moustache stained by blood, and his face bright red in rage.  
"SOMEBODY HELP ME!!!" Hochstetter demanded.  
Shrugging, Hogan got up and handed Hochstetter a towel. The Gestapo Major nearly tore it away from him, and pressed it against his face.  
"I think that's going to swell up pretty badly, Major." Newkirk remarked lightly, and Strassen turned in surprise. Were none of these prisoners afraid of the Gestapo!? If this was what the Allied prisoners were like, how were the actual Allied soldiers still fighting!?  
"I KNOW!" Hochstetter screamed.   
Newkirk shrugged and lit a cigarette.  
Finally, Burkhalter managed to gain some control, and stood, walking over to Hochstetter, still grinning widely.  
"Now Major," Burkhalter started, stressing the word 'major', "did you want something?"  
"Yes! You are under arrest!" Hochstetter replied, though his voice was muffled and he sounded like he had a bad cold.  
"Me? Why?" Burkhalter asked mildly.  
"I heard you admit to killing a woman! I heard you confess...so did Captain Strassen here," Hochstetter motioned to Strassen, who stood, his eyes wide.   
"Killing a...wait a minute, I didn't kill anyone!" Burkhalter protested.  
"I heard you, and I have a witness!" Hochstetter returned.  
The two began arguing in rapid German, and Hogan took the time to turn to Newkirk and LeBeau with a confused expression.  
"We found out why they were fighting." LeBeau shrugged.  
"And...?" Hogan motioned.  
"Burkhalter killed his sister's cat." Newkirk reported.  
"What, did he sit on it or something?" Hogan snorted, the image appearing in his mind.  
"No, he was walking out the door, and he accidentally slammed it on the bloody thing." Newkirk replied.  
"So that's the reason for this whole mess? God...these Krauts." Hogan rolled his eyes. He then turned to Captain Strassen, who had been listening to them intently. "No offense." Hogan shrugged.  
"Er, none taken..." Strassen stammered.  
"Hochstetter's adjutant." Hogan introduced to Newkirk and LeBeau, motioning at Strassen.  
"No wonder he's so nervous." LeBeau cracked.  
Strassen frowned, but shrugged.  
Finally, Burkhalter and Hochstetter's argument seemed to be reaching some sort of conclusion. Hogan, Newkirk, and LeBeau figured Burkhalter had explained about the cat, since Hochstetter looked so disappointed.   
"By the way," the Major frowned suddenly, "Where is Klink?"  
"He told me he was going to check the Cooler for something or other." Burkhalter shrugged.  
"How long ago was that?" Hochstetter asked.  
Burkhalter glanced at his watch.  
"Half an hour...forty-five minutes, perhaps." He shrugged.  
"That fool! He probably locked himself in!" Hochstetter expounded, taking away the towel from his face. His nose had stopped bleeding, but Newkirk had been right...it was swelled up almost beyond recognition, and turning a dark bluish-purple. Hochstetter shook his head disgustedly, and threw the blood-soaked towel at Hogan, who looked at it in distaste and dropped it on the floor.  
"Be sure to burn that." Newkirk whispered to LeBeau, and the Frenchman snickered.  
"No, I doubt even Klink is stupid enough to lock himself inside his own prison cell." Burkhalter shook his head.  
Hogan, Newkirk, and LeBeau met eyes in a sudden realization.   
"We'll go check!" They volunteered in unison, and dashed out of the barracks.  
After all, it was Klink they were talking about there!  
  
Klink and Schultz were both sitting, and Schultz was humming tunelessly under his breath. Every few moments Klink would shoot the sergeant an annoyed look, but Schultz, being the oblivious man he was, wouldn't get the hint. The humming continued. Finally, Klink stood up in a flurry.  
"Schultz! Stop that mindless humming!" he demanded.  
"I was humming?" Schultz frowned.  
"Yes, yes you were!" Klink shot back angrily.  
"Oh, well, I must have been doing it subconsciously." Schultz shrugged.  
"Do you even know what that word means?" Klink asked, raising an eyebrow.  
"Yes! Colonel Hogan taught it to me." Schultz replied proudly.  
"Well stop learning from Colonel Hogan! It's his fault we're in this mess." Klink sighed.  
"How is it his fault? You were the one who told me to shut the door." Schultz frowned in confusion.  
"Oh haven't you figured it out, Schultz? Anytime anything goes wrong here, it is always Colonel Hogan's fault! Colonel Hogan is like some sort of plague, that you can't cure...he's like a mosquito that you can't bat away! He's like..." Klink stopped suddenly as he heard someone approach.  
"Help! Whoever is out there, help us!" He cried.  
"I don't know, Kommandant, I don't like the way you were talking about me just then." A wounded voice came from the other side.  
Hogan.  
If Klink had had any hair, he would have been pulling it out at that point.  
"You're right, Colonel. I think you should make him apologize to you." Offered another voice, an English one.  
"Oui, mon Colonel. That was not very nice." A third, French-accented voice added.  
"Please, please, PLEASE Colonel Hogan, please! Please!" Schultz begged, running to the door and pressing his face against it. The slat was pulled back, and Hogan's face appeared, smiling cockily.  
"I don't know Schultz, Klink was pretty mean." Hogan titled his head.  
"He is sorry!" Schultz begged.  
"No! No I am not sorry! I meant every word I said!" Klink asserted from the back of the cell angrily. Colonel Wilhelm Klink was a proud man, and he would never apologize!  
"Well, if you meant it, I guess I'm just going to have to tell Major Hochstetter where you are, Kommandant." Hogan shrugged.  
"M-Major Hochstetter is here!?" Klink squeaked.  
"And getting pretty angry about being kept waiting." LeBeau nodded.  
"Angry enough to send a certain Colonel to the Russian Front." Newkirk added.  
"But, if you don't want to apologize, there's nothing I can do about it." Hogan shook his head, and closed the slat. Schultz and Klink heard the sound of footsteps walking off.  
"HOGAN! HOGAN COME BACK, I'M SORRY!" Klink screamed after a moment. Pride was important, but living ranked a bit higher on the scale.  
The slat opened immediately. Hogan's smiling face reappeared.  
"How nice to hear you say that!" he gushed.  
"Well you will never hear it again. Now let us out." Klink grumbled.  
"Ok...Schultz, get the keys out of your pocket and unlock the door." Hogan instructed, then closed the slat again and walked away. Newkirk and LeBeau followed, laughing uproariously.  
Klink turned to Schultz, too angry to speak as the Sergeant pulled the keys from his uniform pocket.  
"What do you know, I had the keys the whole time!" Schultz shrugged, and opened the door.  
"Schultz..." Klink started in rage.  
Schultz cocked his head. Klink paused.  
"Never mind. I could never quite be able to express what I want to say to you at this moment. I was raised properly, after all...so let's just forget about this incident." Klink finally commanded in a quiet way.  
"Ah...forgotten." Schultz nodded.  
"Now let's go see what that maniac Hochstetter wants." Klink suggested.  
"Jawohl, Herr Kommandant!" Schultz saluted, and the two walked outside.  
  
Frau Linkmeyer had polished off another bottle of wine while Carter and Kinch sat on the floor watching.  
"Aren't we supposed to resolve the argument?" Carter finally asked tiredly.  
Kinch turned to Carter and rolled his eyes. Carter shrugged, and watched as Frau Linkmeyer broke some more of Klink's glassware. Carter would pay anything to see Kink's face when he saw the condition of his quarters.  
"I have an idea." Kinch finally stated, drawing Carter from his imagining.  
"What is it?" Carter queried.  
"Here, watch." Kinch instructed, then stood up and walked over to Frau Linkmeyer. She looked up at him in bleary confusion.  
"Aren't you a prisoner?" She asked.  
"Well, yes...but I have a deal to make with you." Kinch replied.  
"A...deal?" Frau Linkmeyer frowned, and downed another glass of wine. Kinch nodded, than quickly grabbed the bottle away from her. It took a few seconds for Frau Linkmeyer to realize what he had done, but when she did, she jumped up and launched herself at Kinch, screaming at him in German. Carter got to his feet to help his friend and Kinch shoved the bottle at him. Carter grabbed it.  
"Run to the barracks!" Kinch demanded as Frau Linkmeyer literally strangled him. Nodding, Carter took off.  
"GIVE IT BACK!" Frau Linkmeyer demanded, tripping over Kinch as she tried to get up and chase after Carter. Kinch managed to pull himself up and grabbed the two remaining bottles in Klink's liquor cabinet. He dashed out of the door, and he heard Frau Linkmeyer following him, screaming in unintelligible German.   
Kinch caught up with Carter, who was about to dash into the barracks.  
"HURRY!" Kinch demanded as Carter reached for the door.  
  
General Burkhalter, Major Hochstetter, and Captain Strassen waited for Hogan and his men to return.  
Suddenly, a scream pierced the air.  
"That sounded like Gertrude!" Burkhalter cried in alarm.  
"Let me check." Hochstetter ran to the door, and reached to open it.  
  
Carter slammed open the door to the barracks, and as he dashed in, tripped over something that had fallen on the floor. He dropped the wine bottle, which shattered all over the ground, spilling the liquid all over Burkhalter and Strassen. Kinch followed quickly, almost tripped over Carter, but balanced out and jumped over the Sergeant.  
"Carter! Get up!" Kinch demanded.  
"What did I fall on?" Carter asked, alarmed.  
"ME!!!" An enraged voice cried, and Carter very nearly screamed, then jumped to his feet. Major Hochstetter was lying on the floor, his nose bleeding again, and he staggered to his feet, shaking in totally out-of-control, borderline-homicidal rage. He advanced towards Carter, but was suddenly knocked to the ground again as Frau Linkmeyer came crashing in after Kinch and Carter.   
Strassen couldn't help it. He burst out laughing. Carter and Kinch joined in, as did General Burkhalter. Frau Linkmeyer looked around in confusion.  
"What is going on?" she asked in a bleary tone.  
At this point, Hogan, Newkirk, and LeBeau walked in, followed by Klink and Schultz. They all gingerly stepped over the floor-bound Major, and looked around, the two Germans in confusion, and the American, Frenchman, and Englishman in delight.  
"What happened here?" Klink demanded.  
"Nothing compared to what happened in your quarters." Kinch shot back.  
"What!?" Klink frowned.  
"Nothing, never mind!" Kinch smirked, and he and Carter winked at each other.  
Burkhalter calmed down and walked over to his drunken sister.  
"Gertrude, you have been drinking!" He exclaimed.  
"Yes Albert, I am drinking! To drown my sorrows! You killed Olga!" She wept.  
"Listen, I told you it was an accident!" Burkhalter put his hands up defensively.  
"Really?" Frau Linkmeyer asked.  
"Yes, I swear to you. I didn't know the cat had followed me outside." Burkhalter explained.  
"Cat?" Schultz and Klink frowned.  
"We'll explain later." Hogan promised. Klink nodded, seeming to accept that. Hogan couldn't blame him...this day had been strange, even for Stalag 13's standards.  
Major Hochstetter finally got to his feet. Strassen saw him get up and instantly swallowed his laughter, masking it with a cough. Hochstetter's nose was bleeding worse than ever. He looked around the room wildly.  
"Major Hochstetter!" Klink exclaimed, rushing over to him, but Hochstetter put up his hand to stop him.  
"No, Klink, do not come near me. I am leaving now. To be honest, I don't even remember why I was here in the first place. If I had not been knocked down three times...twice by insane people slamming doors open and once by an insane drunk woman...if these things had not happened, I would have had the lot of you shot. But as it stands, I am leaving. There is something wrong with all of you!" Hochstetter explained in a strange, sort of wild, choked voice.  
"'Bye, Major!" Hogan, Newkirk, LeBeau, Kinch, and Carter smiled sweetly.  
Hochstetter turned to them, but didn't say anything.  
"Come on Strassen!" He finally demanded, and stormed out of the barracks, his nose still dripping blood.  
Strassen turned to the men.  
"Thank you, for a wonderful day." He told them in a heartfelt manner.  
"You're welcome, Captain. Remember, anytime he gets too bad, take him back here. We'll calm him down for you." Hogan winked, and Strassen nodded with a smile. The Captain then followed his commander out of the barracks, laughing a little to himself.  
Hogan and the other POWs turned back General Burkhalter and his sister. But, Frau Linkmeyer had apparently passed out on the floor.  
"General! Is she all right?" Klink asked.  
"Oh yes, fine. Gertrude gets like this sometimes...when she wakes up, she will forget everything about today." Burkhalter explained, hoisting up his sister. Schultz hurried over to help.  
"I think we can all be thankful for that." Newkirk raised an eyebrow.  
Burkhalter sneered at him, but didn't say anything, then he turned to Schultz, and instructed the Sergeant to help him move Frau Linkmeyer to his car. The two walked out, carrying the unconscious woman between them.  
"Well." Hogan commented as he watched them go.  
"That pretty much sums today up." Kinch agreed.  
"Colonel Hogan, do you think Berlin would mind very much if I did not make a report concerning today's events?" Klink asked, turning to the head POW.  
"Uh...no, not really." Hogan shook his head.  
"I don't think Burkhalter or Hochstetter are going to be reporting anything." Newkirk added.  
"Me either." LeBeau agreed.  
"Very well then." Klink nodded, and walked out of the barracks, shutting the door behind him.  
The men stared at each other for a quiet second, shook their heads, and Newkirk suggested a game of cards. Hogan, LeBeau, Kinch and Carter agreed, and Newkirk got out his deck.  
  
THE END!  
  
Oh God, that was strange, no? But...I don't know, I'm still sick (Argh, I have the flu...a week off of school and I'm already bored!). Well, I hope you got at least a bit of a laugh from this. Anyway, thanks for reading! 


End file.
